~SnowKissed~

Midsummer

2011-07-09T22:51:00.001-08:00

You always know it is midsummer when the seeds from the Cottonwood pile up like snowdrifts and fill the air with floating fluff.

Kisses

2011-06-03T16:02:00.001-08:00

Alaska has two seasons

2011-04-01T00:04:00.006-08:00

At the end of winter, in the in-between season we struggle against lingering somnolence. There is a certain frantic yet fatigued energy that overtakes everyone. The world is white and grey and dripping and running, rivulets and puddles. When the last crust of snow is breached, the moldering earth underneath is waterlogged to the point of appearing barren. Last years grass is half buried beneath muddy sludge and lays slack against the earth.

Yet everyone knows it is coming. Spring, spring! The Titmice and Chickadees mutter excitedly to each other and hop madly in the gathering light. Soon will be bumblebees and dragonflies. Soon will be green. Soon will be wild with joy wild with warm air and intoxicating skies.

2010

2011-03-31T17:08:00.008-08:00

I didn't blog in 2010. In the first weeks of January, I found out I was expecting and then began experiencing the worst morning sickness I could have imagined possible. But that's ok....

This happened where I am normally flat...

And then, this...

and this....

and finally, some time much later...

This is what happens when it gets colder

2009-11-09T16:33:00.001-09:00

Chihuahua ears....

2009-08-04T17:20:00.002-08:00

Summer is fading quietly but surely. But in the meantime, we are soaking in every bit of warmth possible to remember when the world is full of white and cold.
Sunday, we went blueberry picking and hiking. Alaska was pulling out all the stops, making you fall in love with her all over again....

Sweet Summertime

2009-08-04T17:12:00.011-08:00

Books

2009-06-02T11:42:00.002-08:00

A poem by Dr. Jerry Sterns
Pharyngula, Oct 2007

Books will be replaced by electronic libraries, talking videos, interactive computers, CD-Roms with 100s of volumes, gigabytes of memory dancing on pixillated screens at which we will bleerily stare into eternity, and so I Sing the Song of the Book:

Nothing more voluptuous do I know than sitting with bright
pictures upon my lap and turning glossy pages of giraffes and
Gauguins penguins and pyramids
I love wide atlases, deliniating the rise and fall of empires, the
trade routes from Kashkar to Samarkand
I love heavy dictionaries, their tiny pictures, complicated columns,
minute definitions of incarnitive, and laniary, hagboat and
fopdoodle
I love the texture of pages, the high gloss slickness of magazines
as slippery as oiled eels
the soft nubble of old books, delicate India paper so thin that my
hands tremble trying to turn the fluttering dry leaves and the
yellow coarse cheap paper of mystery novels so gripping that I
don't care if the plane circles Atlanta forever, because it is a full
moon and I am stalking in the Arizona desert a malevolent shaped
shifter
I love the feel of ink on paper, the shiny varnishes, the silky
lacquers, the satiny mattes
I love the press of letters in thick paper, the roughness sizzles my
fingers with centuries of craft embedded in pulped old rags
My hands caress the leather of old bindings crumbling like
ancient gentlemen
I sing these pleasures of white paper and black ink of the small
jab of the hard cover corner at the edge of my diaphram, of the
look of type, of the flip of a page, of the sinful abandon of the
turned down corner, the reckless possessiveness of my marginal
scrawl
The cover picture as much a part of the book as the contents
itself--like Holden Caufield in his red cap turned backwards
staring away from us at what we all thought we should become
I also love those great fat bibles evangelists wave like otter pelts,
the long greying sets of unreadable authors, the tall books of
boyhood enthusiastically crayoned, the embossed covers of
adolescents, the tiny poetry anthologies you could slip in your
pocket
And the yellowing cookbooks of recipes for glace blanche dupont
and Argentine mocha toast, their stains and spots souvenirs of
long evenings full of love and arguments and the talk like as not of
books, books, books...

In my Craft or Sullen Art

2009-06-02T11:28:00.002-08:00

By Dylan Thomas

In my craft or sullen art

Exercised in the still night

When only the moon rages

And the lovers lie abed

With all their griefs in their arms,

I labour by singing light

Not for ambition or bread

Or the strut and trade of charms

On the ivory stages

But for the common wages

Of their most secret heart.

Not for the proud man apart

From the raging moon I write

On these spindrift pages

Nor for the towering dead

With their nightingales and psalms

But for the lovers, their arms

Round the griefs of the ages,

Who pay no praise or wages

Nor heed my craft or art.

2009-05-09T16:17:00.001-08:00

Its a beautiful day. Overhead, the seagulls are wheeling in the clear blue alaskan afternoon. Canadian geese dabble in the grass, resting from their travels. Im in the car with the windows down, soaking in the magnificent sun and breathing in the sweet air. The longer i live here, the more it becomes a part of me...whatever that "it" is; something uncontainable, wild and beautiful, fierce and independant. Loving alaska is like loving an exquisite, wild woman, who you occasionally think of leaving for a moment and then, looking at her, you forget errant thoughts and love her all the more.

Spring

2009-05-07T17:12:00.005-08:00

A few days ago, there was soft red mist across the trees-the first leaf buds of spring, ruddy against the mountains. Now, a soft green mist has replaced it as the first, sweet green of spring hatches from red cocoons in delicate points.

In the spring in Alaska, everyone points out the signs of spring to everyone else, ad-nauseum, and no one minds. "Look-there are some green leaves! Look a bit of green grass!"

Sighting the first green grass that either of us had seen, my daughter ran joyously toward it and, falling ot her knees, ran her hands ecstatically over the soft green blades. "I touched it first, Mama! I touched green grass before you!"

p.s. the pretty green leaves aren't my pic, they are from walcoo.net since I haven't had time to take many pics lately:(

I don't care if it's a wedding dress

2009-03-22T17:42:00.004-08:00

I'm pretty sure I want to wear this dress all day every day for the rest of forever~almost.
p.s. the dress is Chantal by Lara Helene Bridal

Surely Spring is on her way.

2009-03-22T17:07:00.006-08:00

“Gone were but the Winter,
Come were but the Spring,
I would go to a covert
Where the birds sing;

Where in the whitethorn
Singeth a thrush,
And a robin sings
In the holly-bush.

Full of fresh scents
Are the budding boughs
Arching high over
A cool green house:

Full of sweet scents,
And whispering air
Which sayeth softly:
“We spread no snare;

“Here dwell in safety,
Here dwell alone,
With a clear stream
And a mossy stone.

“Here the sun shineth
Most shadily;
Here is heard an echo
Of the far sea,
Though far off it be.”
~Christina Rossetti~Spring Quiet ~

Today, it snowed again. Today, I wished for spring. The world is white, white, pale and cold. Snow is a magical thing but spring is needed. Sometimes lately, the sun appears and for the first time in so many months, there is a strange sensation on your skin-just a little warmth, mesmerizing and tantalizing.

2009-03-15T17:28:00.002-08:00

This is the child who sits in the sweet rays of sun after the deep dark of winter, eating her breakfast.

2009-03-15T17:25:00.000-08:00

2009-03-15T17:05:00.005-08:00

This is the child eating her breakfast who rewards the patience of the little dog, sitting in the warm sun after the deep dark of winter.

Beauty in the smallest

2009-03-15T17:03:00.000-08:00

Snowflakes on my mitten

Unexpected and yet not...

2009-03-15T16:43:00.003-08:00

My life is always full of suddenlies-that is my life often goes careening off in a new direction at the drop of a hat.
For over seven years, I have tried to love my step kids in spite of it not being returned. I kept hoping that love could change them.
Recently, my relationship with my stepdaughter went all to hell, for my husband and I both. You know, all I can say is we really tried to be there for her, to help her in all the messes she got her self into-in spite of her pregnancy and a whole host of other drama. We tried to be the voice of love and reason.
But you know, some people don't want to be loved. It was an awful lesson for me to learn but good lesson at the same time-there are some people that you need to stop pursuing. At some point, love has to be reciprocal. Allowing someone to take and take and take is not love. That's the pill I have had to swallow-to make a long story short.
But oldest stepdaughter and her new baby are going to live in TX...and really, its incredibly painful and incredibly freeing at the same time. My youngest step daughter recently moved with her mom to Cali. That leaves me with my own beautiful daughter. And you know what? It's wonderful to be able to concentrate on life with her instead now. For too many years, I have just been trying to survive, trying to teach two kids that I loved them and would care for them -they took up all our energy with their drama and trauma.
Like I said, I can honestly say with every bone in my body, we tried to do what was right and love them every day of their time with us. And now? We get to start a new life, just the three of us and we are freer than we have ever been. Who knows what we will do next or where we will go now that we don't have to deal with daily drama, anger, negativity and pain from two kids that really ultimately are too damaged to accept love.
I really hope that as they grow older, they will come around and understand love. I really hope that somehow, they both develop the self esteems that allow them to accept love...if they decide they want us in their lives, fine. If not, that is their choice.
I am letting go. My heart may hurt like hell but I have never had so much freedom to spend time with my daughter or family, to spend time with me!
Loving my step kids was always like trying to hold onto and help 2 wounded, angry, hateful cats. Painful as hell and in the end, I just couldn't do enough and neither could my husband.
Off to a new chapter.

And then suddenly....

2008-12-23T18:49:00.003-09:00

In a matter of hours...a baby comes into the world and you are never the same. I will support her in every way I can but she's mommy...at 16.

It's all going to be ok...and I'm going to be a grandmother

2008-12-01T09:49:00.008-09:00

My oldest step daughter always reminded me so much of the line in Ferris Bueller's day off (one of my fave movies of all time btw) but anyway back to my point...

Ferris: "Cameron has never been in love - at least, nobody's ever been in love with him. If things don't change for him, he's gonna marry the first girl he lays, and she's gonna treat him like shit, because she will have given him what he has built up in his mind as the end-all, be-all of human existence. She won't respect him, 'cause you can't respect somebody who kisses your ass. It just doesn't work."

It reminds me of her because somehow, when a kid finds someone who confirms their views about themselves, confirms the things that shriek loudest in their head, they cling to them...and usually sleep with them. (It happened to me too.)

Take one girl with no self esteem (credit here goes to psychotic step-dad and biological mom) let her hit puberty and she'll cling to, and sleep with, the first dirt bag that confirms just what she feels about herself, no matter how much love you tried to pour into her, that negativity usually seems to plant the seeds that sprout the most quickly.

We tried to get her away from the situation, even moved 4000 miles to Tx for a while to see if we could get her away from it all and help her change. But she bolted back to her mom's (where she could do what she wanted in spite of being treated like poo) back to AK and so we returned to AK too...right around the time she conceived...

But somehow, it's all going to be ok. There was no point in being angry with her, she was broken hearted and hurt enough as it was. Through it all, her complete and utter emotional desolation and panic when she found out, somehow we kept her head above water...and slowly, it has gotten better.

When she felt the baby move for the first time, I felt it a moment later, fluttering beneath my hand, quick as a nervous heartbeat beneath her skin. We hugged eachother and cried-a rare moment of vulnerabilty from her.

Slowly, I think she began to realize what I knew all along-unexpected life is not the end of the world. She considered giving him up for adoption and we resassued her that was fine but along the way, the life that turned under her heart became hers, her baby boy.

Black and white images converge on a sonogram screen...a baby, too tiny to live outside the womb, sucking his thumb, touching his face and little upturned nose turns his bottom to us, we count his toes and listen to the throbbing of his heart...

His mother, my stepdaughter, has slowly grown a little calmer...she is not so frantic now. Her horrid step father and biological mother have moved away for now and she has stayed with us over the long months of morning sickness and blossoming belly, and dawning revelations of motherhood.

She has a long way to go before she realizes how worthwhile she is, before she begins to love herself enough to see herself differently and to know that the right relationships in her life make all the difference. I think someday she will know, someday she will find the courage it takes to love herself.

Life is difficult, messy and somewhat unpredictable but full of dichotomous beauty at every turn. And any day now, I will be holding my first grandbaby and yes, I will be crying...

Age 16 at 32 weeks

2008-12-01T09:18:00.006-09:00

A few pictures I took about a month ago...

Cronky McTweedlson gets his feather clean

2008-08-01T18:18:00.002-08:00

We're home

2008-06-20T15:19:00.003-08:00

And just like that, suddenly you are home...the same familiar mountains, the same sweet air...it took us 14 days and a lot of blood, sweat and tears...ok, there was no blood but there was sweat and tears in profusion...
As we drove into town, the gentle rain lifted and a rainbow stretched suddenly above the mountain behind where we had stopped-the kind of thing Alaska arranges to make one mutter crazed declarations of love, things to remember when January is dark and cold...
I could have kissed the ground. Instead, I took off my shoes and felt the familiar damp touch of moss and black earth to assure myself this was no dream.

As a post script...I was so glad to get rid of that horrible RV which we drove up for someone-what a monumental waste of gas and energy...I wouldn't own one....it seems unethical in today's insance world...but that's just me...

2008-06-20T15:16:00.000-08:00

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2008-06-20T15:07:00.000-08:00

I haz a sign-da one dats missing from yer town.

2008-06-20T15:05:00.001-08:00

Birdzilla

2008-06-20T15:02:00.001-08:00

Bumbleberry pie

2008-06-20T14:58:00.001-08:00

It's tiring being an old horse in the Yukon...

2008-06-20T14:54:00.000-08:00

Into the rain...

2008-06-20T14:52:00.002-08:00

And then I'm pretty sure we were supposed to turn left at the Yukon...

2008-06-20T14:27:00.001-08:00

On the beach in Oregon

2008-05-29T20:44:00.002-08:00

Away to AK...

2008-05-28T21:09:00.000-08:00

Going home to AK...we hate to leave the ones we love ...but long for the mountains...life is so rarely simple.

We are waiting to sink our feet into the moss covered floors of pacific northwestern forests, to breath the deep, sweet scent of the green mountains, to dip our hands into the icy azure of the Yukon…but until then, every day has it’s treasures, it’s delights and it’s pricks of fear and longing for what we have left behind, and what is ahead.

Our first full day of travel was the far reaches of west Texas and over the border to New Mexico.

What strikes you there first, quite literally is the merciless heat, where the sun stares like an unblinking eye and it’s light hits you as though you were an ant beneath a glass….no motion is hidden, dust betrays the slightest movement.

The stark face of the west has it’s own beauty, the clarity of the high blue and beneath the stubborn, naked, brown creases of mountains. The Rio Grande lays a green ribbon down the valley....

Onward, through Arizona and into the stark reaches of the Mojave....into the brown rolling hills of southern Cali, past crowded cities, to fertile valleys where roses and almonds, olives, oranges and vineyards compete for fecundity...

Next, up the Pacific Coast Highway, hairpin, hair raising turns and breathtaking vistas a every turn. Here, the wind was cool and fresh and the beaches differed at pull off. Big Sur, Monterey...we rummaged the beaches like children looking for treasure, dashing cold waves and shrieking in delight.

Unfortunately, it was fairly difficult to pull over in many places because we have an RV to drive as well as the car to pull. Many of the best pullouts on the Pacific Coast Highway were on the other side and were very difficult for us to access but we managed a few and then spent the night at an RV park on the beach, walking there in the lovely, cold air as the sun wet.

Northern California in it's uppermost reaches began to remind me of home. We spent a night in Mt. Shasta, an exquisite little town....unique stores, amazing restaurants, but best of all, the mountains reaching high above us and the trees so tall, overshadowing us.

As I write this, we are sitting in verdant southern Oregon and husband and I find ourselves feverish with delight at being back in the Pacific Northwest....
I realize I do not have a lot of fantastic pictures of the Southwest, many times it has been difficult to stop...so I have posted a some pictures that seem fairly meaningful to me or worthwhile. They will be much nicer if you click on them to enlarge...
More later...

Origins

2008-05-28T21:07:00.001-08:00

My beautiful, sweet mother...coming back from feeding the horses. It was so difficult to leave.

Jelly Thief

2008-05-28T21:04:00.001-08:00

One of the members of the traveling circus.

2008-05-28T21:03:00.000-08:00

2008-05-28T21:00:00.001-08:00

2008-05-28T20:56:00.000-08:00

Poverty, New Mexico.

2008-05-28T20:54:00.002-08:00

2008-05-28T20:53:00.000-08:00

Even the chihuahua was tired of the Mojave

2008-05-28T20:52:00.000-08:00

2008-05-28T20:51:00.001-08:00

2008-05-28T20:50:00.000-08:00

2008-05-28T20:49:00.000-08:00

Endlessly...endless-almost

2008-05-28T20:47:00.000-08:00

Mojave sunset

2008-05-28T20:45:00.002-08:00

There was no place to stop in our RV so all my pics of the Mojave are from the car. It seemed so endless, we ended up just wanting to get through anyway. The raod was difficult and rough, as might be expected.

Bend over for gas in the Mojave

2008-05-28T20:42:00.000-08:00

The naked hills

2008-05-28T20:41:00.000-08:00

2008-05-28T20:39:00.000-08:00

Concentrating....

2008-05-28T20:37:00.000-08:00

Hills of Cali, heading toward the coast...

2008-05-28T20:36:00.000-08:00

2008-05-28T20:28:00.000-08:00

Our first excursion to the beach...somewhere on the Pacific Coast Hwy...

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2008-05-28T20:19:00.001-08:00

Beach Treasures

2008-05-28T20:18:00.000-08:00

2008-05-28T20:16:00.000-08:00

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2008-05-28T20:12:00.000-08:00

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Gas here costs 5.80$ just for the record.

2008-05-28T20:10:00.001-08:00

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Pacific Coast Highway Bikers...braver than me.

2008-05-28T20:06:00.000-08:00

Dunes to the Beach-covered in succulents

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El Viejo Hombre y el Mar

2008-05-28T19:46:00.000-08:00

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2008-05-28T19:42:00.000-08:00

Husband, Contemplative

2008-05-28T19:40:00.003-08:00

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Not your usual Cali Weeeeed

2008-05-28T19:39:00.001-08:00

My only explanation for this getup is that the beach was cold...

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Muffin-philosophical on the Beach at Marina, Ca.

2008-05-28T19:02:00.001-08:00

Remember to stop and sniff...as we go on a journey to TX...when we'll be back, we don't know.

2007-07-29T18:31:00.002-08:00

Leaving on our journey, we promise each other to stop and take time to enjoy the small things along the way.

Almost Ready

2007-07-29T18:29:00.001-08:00

The dogs were ready to go before we were. They refused to wait in the house.

Best neighbors ever

2007-07-29T18:26:00.001-08:00

Best neighbors ever, and their big sweet dog-who my insane chihuahua attacked at least three times.

Mercy

2007-07-29T18:19:00.001-08:00

No matter where I live, it will always be on God's Mercy. I feel like this is where my life really began, nearly four years ago. now we are driving away-on to new things, new adventures.
I do not have many words to give tonight as I sit, blogging in Tok, Alaska so I will just post some pictures. Maybe I will feel like writing later. There are so few words to describe the beauty of this place, the sights, the sounds, the scents, the changing vistas that quiet the my inner noise and feed my spirit. There are no words to describe the emotions that bubble inside me as I begin a new journey, begin a new life. Alaska is inevitably tattooed across my heart and soul.

Drive away

2007-07-29T18:16:00.001-08:00

This is where we spent out last night before heading out on our long journey. This is the house where two of the nicest people in the whole world live. I owe so much to them. I can't imagine what I would have done without them in my life.
Yeah, not very interesting to you but it's part of my story.
The hardest part is saying goodbye.

Where are we going Mom?

2007-07-29T18:14:00.001-08:00

2007-07-29T18:13:00.001-08:00

One of our first stops, just to enjoy the view.

Out on the road going steadily toward Glen Allen

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Dadgum heathens

2007-07-29T18:03:00.001-08:00

Note the fine print on the bottom.
"If the King James was good enough fer Saint Paul it's durn well good ennuf fer me."
Umh I think I'll go elsewhere-thanks...(Sound of burning rubber)

Visitor in Tok

2007-07-29T17:59:00.000-08:00

This guy came to visit us and took the liberty of using our window as his potty. Thanks pal.